I find my thought wondering, farther and farther away from the truth.

I can't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks.

A familiar feeling crept over me... the numbness... I thought it was gone forever and ever... Forever and ever doesn't last long I guess. I'm all alone... no one loves me... no one cares about me... what the point?

When you truly like someone you can't stop thinking of them...  You want to talk to them every moment you are awake, and text them when you can't talk to them. You want to hang out with them every chance you get and want to be with them 24/7 and never want to let them go... that is what truly liking someone is like.

When you truly like someone you think about them every second of everyday... Everything reminds you of them and you see and hear them when they aren't really there. You want to hang out with them all the time and when you part ways you don't ever want to say goodbye. All you want to do it listen to the sound of their voice and every time you think of them, see them, hear them talk or are around them, you cannot stop smiling or laughing... that is what truly liking someone is like.

When you truly like someone, you never stop thinking about them... you heart flutters like a million butterflies in your chest. When you wake up, they are the first thing you think about... and when you go to bed they are the last thing you think about. When you truly like someone, they are all you think about and want every night and everyday. 

As I lay in my bed, waiting for Sleep to meet me I received a text... it was from *Carmine. He started talking about he kind of likes me and wants to kiss me and all this disturbing information. For one hour he talked on and on about this matter it all felt so wrong. I laid there staring up at my dark ceiling, waiting for some sign that this wasn't supposed to happen... nothing yet, but I will wait and watch and listen for something because I do not want this... Sleep finally met me at eleven.

As I awoke, it was already 6:30 am. I quickly took a shower and got ready for my day. Thank goodness it's Friday... even though I won't really get a weekend since I work Saturday and Sunday... Once I got on the bus I immediately told our bus driver to go to the high school first since I forgot to study for my history and vocabulary tests last night. As I started to sit down in my seat, I glanced at the back of the bus where *Carmine sits and there he was, I started to feel sick to my stomach and wanted to throw up... but I held it in.

Once I got to school I headed straight for the history room and told *Mr. Frostbitell to please print me off a copy of the powerpoint so I could study it. The bell ran for class to start several minutes later and we started our test  after we watched CNN Student News. I think I did pretty good...

Off to honors english I went, Ugh now I have to take my vocab test... hopefully I do okay on that too...  I was glad to find out that *Carmine was busy setting up for an assembly and wouldn't be there... peace filled me and the nausea temporarily ceased... The class only got to #4 before the school was released to the assembly. Throughout the whole assembly, *Carmine did a song and dance tour performance with the Theatre class and the nausea came back ten fold. I silently dry-heaved and tried not to spew chunks over all my friends and people I was sitting by. 

During lunch I had to tell someone how I was feeling... but there was no one... I sat alone in the math room until He came in... He is my best guy friend so I decided to pass him a note explaining what happened (I didn't say it out loud because the teacher was within the vicinity). He knew exactly what I was going through because this is what it was like when I told him I liked him. I am so sorry I put you through this... you were suffering the whole time I liked you and when I said I didn't like you anymore I lifted that suffering off your shoulders just to put it on my own... I'm sorry... I was on the verge of tears... nausea choked my gut and my heart ached because I put Him through such suffering, my conscience was guilty and that made me fall apart... For the rest of 4th period we talked and I couldn't say I was sorry enough times to Him... He said I didn't have to and that He was glad everything was normal now, but it was only for him and he felt bad that I was full of so much pain and sadness. Before the bell rang the last thing he wrote was, "Well you are loved. And you can count on God and me to always love you." 

Mission Blog, Stardate 3:10:2010

approximatly 11:50am, Late Start

After second period, I went to *Mrs. Rose's room to drop off my backpack and purse for 3rd period. As I walked in, *Myeesha was there and looked as if she were about to burst into tears. I carefully went over to ask her what was wrong. She replied that she has just been having a bad day and is under a lot of stress lately. I asked if she needed a hug, nodding her head I wrapped my arms around her frame. I sat down with her for the remainder of lunch. Eating my spaghetti, we talked about our problems... how people call us both emo for having feelings and how no one has the right to judge another person. The bell rang and I got my stuff and headed to my seat.

All during art, I doodled in my sketchbook. I ended up drawing a realistic abstract picture of a female face. The eyes were upside down and backwards and the nose was from a downward point of view. Though it sounds extremely odd, at first glance it seemed to be a "normal" face. 

The bell rang to go to 4th period, quickly I got my stuff and headed to the math room. As I arrived there was no one there yet. As the class slowly started entering, he entered the room, but he was late. All 70 minutes the teacher just went on and on about final review questions. I'm waiving my final so I didn't pay attention and just worked on my doodle from last period. The only reason I worked on it was because I wanted him to notice how good it was... to notice me... The teacher finished talking and the class was free to chat... I hate him so much, if only he felt like I did... the unbearable pain... the suffering... He finally spoke to me, it was on how stupid it is to get lost in *Candycane, a city south of our town. I choked on my words, struggling to speak to him. I don't want to talk about this... because the day before the incident happened with my dad, he got lost there with all of my siblings and me in the car. I was so scared then. I told him I didn't want to talk about this because of that and he knew but he snapped back, "God! You don't have to take your period fury out on me!" The words pierced my heart like a twelve foot needle... I didn't even say it meanly... in fact I said it with hurt and pain. Pain let the numbness travel though my bloodstream like a neurotoxin... and finally I lost the battle over my eyes... As tears swelled in my crystal blue eyes and my chin shivered, silent tears streamed down my rosy round cheeks and fell off my quivering chin. Silently, I wept... for the rest of class. Good thing I wore waterproof mascara... *Carmine and *Joan knew I was crying, but they kept it quiet and silently tried to comfort me... but their pity words do nothing but feed the numbness that consumed my control. 

Class finally ended and I went straight to pottery, not saying a words to anyone. Once class started I finished my final and drew... I'm sorry... I'm sorry I mad you so angry that you had to yell at me... today sucks... first I cried, now I'm going to have to go to work and put on a happy mask of smiles, but this pain is to real, I'm not sure a mask can cover it all up... especially one made of fake smiles and cheeky talk...

After I got off work, I was feeling tired and hungry... tomorrow is my chemistry and honors english final... and I have no time to study. As I checked the time on my phone, I heart dropped... I had a text from him. As I read it, I tried to hold the tears back, "hey im sorry ive been a jerk lately, i still wanna be your friend and im sorry if if you thought i didn't want to anymore." I deleted the message... We texted back and forth for a while... The last message received was, "you are not unloved, despite what you think." I don't know what to believe anymore...

I don't remember how, but I awoke in my bed. Both my phone and clock alarms were blasting at max volume in my head... today I am not free, I am a teenager no longer, but a working young adult. I met someone new this morning, Responsibility. I don't really like them, but I need them... for the rest of my life. Wow... I haven't woken up this early in a long time... it was 6 am exactly.

The bus this morning was quiet... very quiet. Although I sat by *Joon and attempted to sustain a conversation I was distracted by Pain and the numbness I had to look out the window and just think... Thought is always there for me. I'm getting better at this whole, fake happy thing, but when I come back to Pain, it hurts twice as much, most times even more than four times as much... Ugh I hate him and her so much... As I walked into the chemistry room, I said my annual good morning to Jula, which is actually pronounced You-Luh. She could seriously be a model, I mean she's: tall, thin, gorgeous face and hair, and she's from Germany. Foreign girls make the best models. We just worked on the final review packet the whole time because we had a substitute. I finished A-C out of N... I'm so behind, but I will do fine on the final... its all good. 

Second period seemed to take its own sweet time on making its way around... I felt sick all 70 minutes of it... being within 10 feet of him is like standing right next to a garbage dump, or a nuclear waste site. My heart writhed inside of my chest cavity, like a worm on a hook being thrown out into sulfuric acid as live bait. It is so very hard not to look or talk to him... but it would be even harder to do it because of her... I try to stay away form him, it takes all of my self-control... My heart is finally slowing down, it;s not moving as much, but the pain is still there... the numbness is in my stomach and throat, it's moving into my cheeks, it hurts, a new pain in my face... I think I am going to be sick, a lump in my throat feels like its right behind my gag reflexor... my eyes are heavy with tiredness and pain... the corners of my mouth filled pinched and pulled down, and my chest itches and burns. We watched the old version of Lord of the Flies, it was horribly filmed and the sound was pure static... it gives me a headache. I am so thirsty, but no liquid can quench this thirst of mine...

In third period I finished my final, it looks pretty descent, I'm okay with it. Ugh, I HATE country music, it plays all the time in *Mrs. Rose's room. Speaking of roses, I miss my dear friend *Rose. I haven't seen her much this year because she dropped out of school for several reasons, the main of which were: she was struggling with an eating disorder, because of that she was teased and couldn't keep her grades up. I miss her so very much... As I listen to my iPod, "PYT" by Michael Jackson, I thought of Edward Cullen's family tree: it all started when Michael Jackson had relations with a bat, which in turn produced Dracula who got raped by Paris Hilton and from that Edward Cullen was "born". Also, after he had relations with the bat, Michael Jackson had another relation with a snake and they had Aruchimaru, off of Naruto. Me and *Anne discussed this topic jokingly... I found it very funny. I often laugh to myself for ideas such as this, and no one ever asks why I laugh, so the genius idea is lost. I did once however manage to write down an idea once, on a global warming theory. It's to complicated to explain here but I called it "The Ice Maker Theory" *Anne, the other advanced girl in art, is an incredible artist, her sketches are like my masterpieces, not that I have any of those. Ugh! My stomach twist and turns in knots, like someone put it in a washing machine... bleh... Today for Lunch, I have a lunch, CousCous and chicken. Me and *Anne continued to talk, about Spore and Sims 3, I love nerd talk... 

At lunch I sat down, quickly ate my couscous and left. I seem to always be in other people's way. As I sat down in the math room, it smelled of fading cigarettes and cheap lotions mixed with public bathroom. It's quiet, all except for the fan and my ever weary heart... the bell rang and it sent an unexpected jolt of suprise in my chest... he walked in the room, I quickly looked away... ugh for the next 70 minutes I would be in a torterous test of my sanity. His once pleasant face haunts my dreams and the sound of his voice chased out all the sanity in me... I got 100% on my math homework and I think I got at least an A on my Ch. 6 test today... My heart feels as if it's filled with moths covered in anesthetic.. erratic beats and painful flutters followed by numbness. My mouth and throat are dry and sticky, like I haven't had a drink in days... though I cannot remember my last glass of water, I have had food that contains some water...I think... As I doodled an eye on my paper, a very realistic eye, I longed so much to tap him on the shoulder and show him... but I fought the temptation with all my might... these feeling I had for so long... I've tried to tell myself that he's gone, and though he's still by me, I feel alone... I'm alone... I'm so tired... I want to go to sleep and never wake up... unless I have a nightmare... that would suck to be stuck in a nightmare forever...